Hell's Kitchen

My life feels like a reality TV show, all that's missing is a film crew and  a big reward at the end. 

I used to love cooking and baking, now, I only enter the kitchen for the sake of survival. Instead of a film crew capturing every move while I cook, Old Eagle eye sits perched in her chair watching everything I do. Her piercing blue eyes follow me as I open drawers and cupboards looking for what I need. Her fear that I might misplace a dish or use it for something she hasn't intended it for, keeps her rooted to the chair.  One of her "quirks" is that she only uses certain pots and pans for certain things. Just in case she forgets their usage she leaves a note in them to remind herself what they are used for, then she wraps them in plastic grocery bags before putting them in the cupboard. Yes, she wraps them because of "dirt." So while Eagle Eye is staring me down, I'm searching for pots and pans in plastic bags!

Usually a Grandmother's kitchen is known for it's aromas of freshly baked cookies, apple pie or pot roast. Not this kitchen. For as long as I can remember Granny has never cooked. Even growing up everything was prepackaged. Cookies, pie, pasta, potatoes, you name it, it can be found in a box or a frozen bag. Since Granny only uses the kitchen to warm food in the microwave she hasn't put much thought into the layout of the kitchen. Which also adds to the frustration of cooking. Now, mind you, in a 96 year old house the layout isn't great. For instance our fridges are on the porch. Yes, that's right we have two fridges one for her and one for us. Most evening Granny makes her salad on the dryer (which is next to the fridge) since the kitchen counter is in the other room. Also, in case of earthquake the dishes are "locked" with rulers. Which means for me to get a cup to drink out of I have to roll granny out of my way, so I can take the ruler out of the cupboard and then swing the door wide enough to reach around and get a cup or a plate. I have resorted to using the blue plate for everything. Even though Granny has enough sets of dishes for 17 families, I only eat off the blue plastic plate. This special plate is kept on the toaster oven and not in a cupboard. Every morning I eat my toast on it, wash it, and return it to its spot. On the occasion I don't eat before I get home I again grab the blue plate. 

I think Granny's pallett was destroyed through many years of going without during the depression. For that I'm sorry, one would think that going without would increase your appetite for the flavors you missed out on, however it's had an opposite affect. Granny's idea of meals is really quite random. I have sat down to a meal of spinach ravioli...that's spinach with no seasonings in a spinach noodle, covered in red tomatoe sauce. Green and Red together makes the color of vomit. Along with that was a side dish of a boca burger. A boca burger is a hamburger patty that costs about $.25 that comes in microwavable plastic. There is also her famous chili made with speghetti sauce and everything that should not be found in chili. My favorite though was the morning she set out onion bagels and strawberry cream cheese for me and then proceeded to tell me I was a picky eater when I told her I'd rather have butter on mine. Maybe there is a camera crew hidden behind the dishes.